Amma

 

It has been 8 months since I came back from India after amma’s demise. I have sat down couple of times to write about my mom, but nothing came out other than tears from my eyes. Whatever I write wouldn’t be enough to convey a percentage of what I feel inside about her. Though the heaviness I felt after the demise is getting lighter and the memories are becoming sweeter, I still miss her everyday morning, sometimes frantically waking up thinking I should call her.

Today, amma would have turned 81. I would eagerly wait to call Amma to wish her and to sing ‘Happy BIRTHDAY’. At the end she would chuckle and conversation would turn to the special dessert: payasam, ice cream or cake? Amma loved sweets and chocolates, always like an eager child asking for more but at the same time making sure there is enough for her favorite grandson. 

I couldn’t keep the promise of celebrating your last birthday and when I apologized and promised for next year you chuckled and brushed it off. Did you know then amma then that you wouldn’t be here in this world? I don’t have any regrets because I know that I cook whatever you like whenever I come and stay with you, I was always there for you to share joys and memories, anxieties and worries.

As we age, things don’t matter. It is the presence and assurance that somebody is going to be there for you no matter what day or time to support.  I feel blessed that I cared about your needs, offered you support just like you did when I called for the same.

Truly blessed to have a mom like you and grateful for the childhood with such wonderful parents.  What is my wish for you today? I hope you attained peace from the conflicts you had dealt with in your mind. My true wish is to believe in you smiling with no pain or resentment. As a firm believer of Sanatana Dharma, I wish you attained liberation and live peacefully in Vaikundam. 

I will miss you forever but your last words to me is an assurance that you are fine wherever you are. Love you so much.


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